Letting Go of a Painful Memory

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Thursday, 4th of August, I went for a walk in the rain. It had been raining for more than a week. I missed my walk very badly.  I put on a hoodie and a pair of comfortable slippers and splashed on.  It was cool and breezy.  Very refreshing.  After a short distance, a wall of tears hit me.  I took deep breaths and continued my zikir.  That took me by surprise!  With curiosity and self compassion, I calmly entered the memory.


What were the tears all about?  I was probably eight.  School just finished.  It had been raining all day.  The school was empty.  The world seemed dark and gloomy.  Most kids had been picked up.  I was feeling cold and hungry, standing by a pillar being invisible.  When the rain did not let up, I decided to brave it and began to walk home.  With that decision, I pushed down all the feelings that were welling up.


I sat down on the first bench I saw and mentally hugged my younger self.  Tears came pouring down.  Nobody was around.  My tears got washed off by the rain.  These were tears from a long time ago.  At the time I could not cry.  I had to take care of myself.  


I allowed the utter loneliness to come forward.  Felt totally abandoned.  Nobody noticed that I was alone and hungry.  After a while, pride came in.  I did take care of myself.  I did not allow myself to be paralyzed by fear and despair.  I pulled my resources together and kept myself alive and safe.  At the time, there was an overwhelming feeling of wanting to curl up into a ball and give up.  My eight year old self had the courage not to give in to the feeling of hopelessness.  Bravo for me.



I walked in the rain again today, 28th September.  The memory of being eight came back.  No tears.  No heaviness in my chest.  Feeling grateful I survived my childhood.  




https://youtu.be/y-6aKQSWmb4

"If a trauma victim is debriefed in a state of high emotion, the process can increase the arousal to the point of overload, trapping the sensory impressions in the amygdala" (Dr. Noreen Tehrani)


When I was hit by tears, I sat down, took deep breaths, and only entered the memory when I felt calm.  


The above video by Mark Tyrrell is a good guideline in handling a traumatic memory.  The example he gives is within the client -therapist relationship.  I believe it can be adapted for self healing, remembering to be calm so that you do not retraumatize yourself.






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