Trauma: The healing process

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Almost a year ago, some harsh accusations were hurled at me.  I did not think I would have taken this long to grieve the immense hurt.  I guess what happened brought back the trauma of rejection and abandonment I felt as a kid.  I felt displaced and lost, like I did not belong anywhere.  The structures of my life got scattered and I had to reconstruct new ones before I could function in some stable fashion.



As mentioned by Gabor Mate, trauma is a psychological wound, even if the wound has healed, the scar remains.  At the crux of my hurt, is that as if I don't matter.  Like no amends were made to help me make sense of the need to hurt me, or a sharing of what happened in them that they felt right to say those hurtful words.



Just like when I was a child, no one acknowledged that I was hurt.  No word of comfort, explanation or God forbid, an apology after a severe beating.  Like I was supposed to just take it in my stride, like nothing happened.  Even if the cane made my back bleed, or the thick branch bruised my joints. Like I did not hurt.


According to Peter Levin, trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside, and in the absence of an empathic witness, it is hard to let go of what is within.  When triggered, the traumatised person would behave as if from the past, no longer able to stay in the present.  Perhaps that explains the severe hurt I felt? People might say, why remember the past? 


Initial reactions to trauma can include exhaustion, confusion, sadness, anxiety, agitation, numbness, dissociation, confusion, physical arousal, and blunted affect. Bessel van der Kolk shows evidence how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust


According to Paul Conti, trauma is a major cause of physical illnesses.  It is as if it is stuck within the body, as a reminder, a survival mechanism to keep the person safe and alive.  Trauma happens when our coping skills are overwhelmed, thus we cope in harmful / ineffectual ways


I have searched a lot for some way of healing myself: read aplenty, listened to podcasts, watched YouTube videos.  I have prayed, read the Quran and Hadith.  I am grateful that I have managed to find what disturbed me most, what hurt deeply.  What happened made me feel like I did not matter, like the world did not care one bit! As if saying “So what if you got hurt, should I care?”


Like Andrew Huberman said, I had to tolerate the “limbic” friction in order to look at the trauma closely.  I did it in little bits, allowing myself to feel the rage and making space for my tears.  I did a compassionate inquiry (as modelled by Gabor) on myself, I developed rapport (Paul Conti) between client and therapist (I am the client, I am the therapist), paying attention to my emotions, my words, my patterns of thoughts.  I took my time 


Don’t tell me to forgive those who inflicted pain on me.  I have done all that.  I am very inspired by Andrew Huberman, who became a “feral” child when his parents divorced.  He became parentless, and had to take care of himself from the age of 12.  Even though he made peace with his parents, his yearning for a functional loving family continues.  He sees a therapist 1 to 3 times a week, just to keep the “demons of the past at bay”.  He is a professor at Stanford University, and I love his podcasts at the Huberman Lab.


Since I don’t have the resources for a therapist, I am developing compassion for myself, listening to myself talk and changing what I say to myself:  I do matter like any other human being and I hurt when pain is inflicted on me.  


“I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable. All these and other factors combined, if the circumstances are right, can teach and can lead to rebirth.”​

— Anne Morrow Lindbergh

(American writer and aviator)


Feral: resembling or characteristic of a wild animal

Limbic friction: working against the lower brain’s (the amygdala) function of keeping the organism safe, learning to tolerate high stress


Trauma: The Invisible Epidemic: How Trauma Works and How We Can Heal From It, 2021, by Paul Conti MD (Author), Lady Gaga (Introduction)


The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, 2015

by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.


Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma, 1997

by Peter A. Levine (Author), Ann Frederick (Contributor)


The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture, 2022, 

by Gabor Maté MD (Author), Daniel Maté



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