Paying Attention to Grief

-


The last time I wrote was November 2019.   After moving into a new place in 2017, I was preoccupied with making a new home and after two years, when life settled, a kind of deep vague grief hit me.  Like a ton of bricks.  I was overwhelmed.  In the past, I would have swept it under the carpet.  Always saying I had a lot to do.  I had people to take care of.  In truth, I was terrified of losing control.  I was scared to let the grief in, afraid it would tear me apart.  Would the tears stop once I allow it to flow?


Now I have been reading Leo Babauta of Zenhabits.net for more than ten years.  I thought, well, how about being mindful of what wanted to emerge and just notice with curiosity what the grief was all about.  While exploring the edge of uncertainty, I kept reminding myself to be compassionate and just be present with my own memories and feelings. Did my best to practise acceptance and patience without judgement.  It had taken about two years to make some sense of my past and get back to a more authentic me.


For the most part, healing for my childhood traumas happened.  I came to terms with some bad decisions I made in the past.  Accepted that some relationships, in spite of dedicated hard work, did not blossom.  Some dreams could not come true when there was no support from people I thought cared for me.  This is not to say melancholy does not hit me.  It does, but I am more able to acknowledge it and let it be.  I can make room for my hurt and still find joy in the moments of my life.


Zenhabits.net has provided calm guidance in my grief work.  I do recommend Leo Babauta’s writing. He writes simply and clearly.  


Comments

New comments are not allowed.

Popular posts from this blog

Movement and Exercise

-
Image
1990 and 2007 were two very difficult years for me.  In 1990, I lost my body-brain coordination.  I could not accurately bring a glass of water to my mouth.  I had to hang on to walls to walk.  It took two to three years prior to 1990 before I was diagnosed with SLE (lupus).  Other than steroid shots, there were many medications I could not tolerate.  In the end, I turned to prayers and intense inner focus.  I imagined small movement sequences again and again until they became very real and clear in my mind.  I asked my five year old to teach me to play the piano.  He taught me to connect the musical notes to the piano keys and my fingers.  My twelve year old had a typing game on the computer.  I practised on it several times a day.  Jane Fonda videos were also around the house.  I bought them for my fourteen year old.  I used them a few minutes a day till my feet could step to the music.  Within six weeks, I wen...
Read more

My Sewing History

-
Image
When I was little, one of my favourite chores was keeping dry goods into bottles.  Sugar, flour, salt were packed into old newspapers.  The shopkeeper would take the amount needed from a large sack, huge tin or earthenware urn and wrap the goods with pieces of newspaper.  That gave me some reading material and a glimpse of a world outside of my village. When I was ten, I saw a picture of a "twist" dress on one of those newspaper pieces.  It was a dress cut slim to the hips and then the bottom half would be gathered full. When you dance the "twist", the bottom half would flare up, exaggerating your movement. The folly of a pre teen :-) The picture conjured up such a pretty vision in my head. I showed it to my mother and asked her to make it for me.  She was livid! Every year in the month of Ramadan, my father would buy a bolt of material for my mother to make clothes for us to celebrate Syawal.  For that year, my mother gave me whatever was left after making...
Read more

My Grieving Process

-
Image
As my grief moves from centre stage, my forlorn rebounder (tiny trampoline) and slant board gain my attention.  So too my various weights and resistance bands.  All were gathering dust in the past three or four months.  Grief took a lot out of me.  It is still there, I am allowing it to come and go as it pleases, but it no longer consumes me.  I am beginning to take tiny steps to regain some physical strength.  It is very easy to give in to pain and not move at all.   I used to read, listen or watch Peter Attia and he offered ample evidence that flexibility and mobility could be maintained if, as we age, muscle mass is not excessively lost. https://peterattiamd.com/ “Peter Attia explores strategies and tactics to increase lifespan, healthspan, and well-being, and optimize cognitive, physical, and emotional health” Time to read my unopened emails from Peter! My easiest go to movement is walking  https://youtu.be/R10u9h7j24E This video points o...
Read more