The Monster Within

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When I was around 6 or 7, for whatever reason, for a short few months, we moved in with my father’s adopted daughter.  If you were to cycle to her house, it would take you an hour.  I was a passenger on my eldest sister's bicycle. Z (my father's adopted daughter)  had a son just slightly older than me.  He loved to play with me, but he was also a bully.  Inevitably, one evening, we had  a big fight.  Instead of taking it as a fight between kids, Z got involved and said horribly mean things to me.  To this day, I still have great difficulty forgiving her.


I was so broken that I decided to walk home, whatever it took, I did not want to stay anymore.  In the dusk, a man on a bicycle picked me up and sent me back to my mother.  She grabbed a branch by the road side, and beat me till I was half dead.  In the few days that I was recovering, I decided a few things for myself.  I knew very clearly then, that I could depend only on myself, that there was absolutely no reason to ask for help from anyone or to share anything with anyone.


I was 6 or 7, but I felt like a 100 year old warrior, charting my future calmly.  I decided that I only deal with the truth, that way other people could not trip me up easily.  In order to know the truth, I had to be alert and observant.  I also paid attention to my feelings and beliefs. I started my schooling with that "warrior" mindset.  Whatever happened around me or to me, I was able to be very logical and calm.


Being alert and alone probably was very stressful on my nervous system.  The sympathetic system was always on, it was difficult for the parasympathetic to come in.  A trauma buried deep into my whole self?  I forgive myself, that was the only way I could survive.  I no longer have to be that way.  I have kids and grandkids who love me.  I can take off the alarm.


I do believe, had my mother taken a pause then, she would not have beaten me brutally.  I can imagine the desperation she might have felt. It is a lesson I always remember.  I acknowledge there is a "monster" within me, very capable of "monstrous" acts.  I take a pause and choose when I allow that monster to come out; when lives are in danger and there is a need to fight.


Sometimes a longer pause is needed, to have the space and time and courage to contemplate  our way of being in our world.  Does it promote wellness? Is it time to change? Even if we are changing in tiny steps, taking breathers in between.



Comments

  1. Lilian10 October 2021 at 03:54

    How often a traumatic or poignant experience in our tender childhood drives our inner strength to come forward. Should we be thankful for this even when it leaves scars? Does it actually allow us to be a better person? Certainly you and your family have benefited by your ability to stop and process ….acting instead of reacting. A monster is a very scary thing. Yet you acknowledge that it is there to come to the rescue when you need it. Sounds more like a very powerful alter ego that needs directing, like a big dog that can be ferocious or lie quietly behind you! But I hear how you are struggling to come to terms with it and your trauma.

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