Distilled Moment

When I was around 6 or 7, for whatever reason, for a short few months, we moved in with my father’s adopted daughter.  If you were to cycle to her house, it would take you an hour.  I was a passenger on my eldest sister's bicycle. Z (my father's adopted daughter)  had a son just slightly older than me.  He loved to play with me, but he was also a bully.  Inevitably, one evening, we had  a big fight.  Instead of taking it as a fight between kids, Z got involved and said horribly mean things to me.  To this day, I still have great difficulty forgiving her. I was so broken that I decided to walk home, whatever it took, I did not want to stay anymore.  In the dusk, a man on a bicycle picked me up and sent me back to my mother.  She grabbed a branch by the road side, and beat me till I was half dead.  In the few days that I was recovering, I decided a few things for myself.  I knew very clearly then, that I could depend only on myse...

I have been told that I write well even when I was young.  I was "paid" 20 sen (20 Malaysian cents) when I was nine.  A bunch of mothers were learning to read and write in "class dewasa" (adult class).  One "kiasu" (ultra competitive) lady asked her son who was the best writer in class.  That was me. I wrote her a story and she gave me 20 sen. When I was studying in an Australian university, I was soundly scolded by my psychology professor.  I turned in my assignment three weeks late.  The school had a system where 10% was taken off your marks for every week you were late.  I was a huge procrastinator in those days (probably still am).  Anyhow, I was given seven out of ten.  I thought, well, it wasn't too bad.  Then I was called into the office.  The professor was livid! He surprised the heck out of me.  He accused me of being irresponsible, lacking gratitude for the gift I was given.  Huh? My assignment was  well wri...

Part of Dr. Goldner Goodbye Lupus protocol is exercise.  Would I say I am physically active? I love being outside whenever I can. Since I live in a pretty place, taking a morning walk is very pleasant. However, it is not always easy.  I am almost always in pain, it is just a matter of degree.  Some days I cannot get out of bed. Most days I can manage a little gardening. Like my late mother, I was born very clumsy.  I couldn't play team games easily, nor ride a bicycle till I was 11.  I could climb trees through strategically thinking where to put my feet, and a lot of my childhood was spent on trees. When I was in Australia, I learned yoga through library books and my black and white TV.  When I went to Canada, I clumsily learned to swim through night classes.  In both countries, I walked miles, walking was how I got around  It was somewhat difficult to walk around my old house.  I used DVDs to help me exercise.  Favourites included Kath...

What you eat has a huge impact on your health.  You would think this is easy to see, but what is a good diet? This is a lot harder than you think.  There are so many camps out there promoting opposing different ideas.  Enough to drive me nuts! November of 2019, for six weeks, I was completely raw vegan.  I followed the protocol as suggested by Goodbye Lupus by Brooke Goldner, M.D. Smoothies with 75% green vegetables, 25% fruits plus flax seeds and / chia seeds.  Green salads and no oil.  Very hard, but I persisted.  I lost 9 kgs.  My joints felt better.  But I could not sleep. After six weeks, I added back rice, sweet potatoes, cooked vegetables.  Then I could sleep. In my search for a diet that could help me with my autoimmune issues, two doctors impressed me.  Dr. McDougall of the Starch Solution and Dr. Mark Hyman of the Pegan Diet.  Dr. McDougall’s Starch Solution stresses nutrient density and calorie density.  The ide...

The last time I wrote was November 2019.   After moving into a new place in 2017, I was preoccupied with making a new home and after two years, when life settled, a kind of deep vague grief hit me.  Like a ton of bricks.  I was overwhelmed.  In the past, I would have swept it under the carpet.  Always saying I had a lot to do.  I had people to take care of.  In truth, I was terrified of losing control.  I was scared to let the grief in, afraid it would tear me apart.  Would the tears stop once I allow it to flow? Now I have been reading Leo Babauta of Zenhabits.net for more than ten years.  I thought, well, how about being mindful of what wanted to emerge and just notice with curiosity what the grief was all about.  While exploring the edge of uncertainty, I kept reminding myself to be compassionate and just be present with my own memories and feelings. Did my best to practise acceptance and patience without judgement.  It had ...